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Welcome To The Media Room
Thanks for visiting the Media Room for Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again by Dr. Bruce Chalmer.
Check out the introduction to the book here.
For the Media Room for Dr. Chalmer’s book It’s Not About Communication! Why Everything You Know About Couples Therapy is Wrong, click here.
For the Media Room for Dr. Chalmer’s book Reigniting the Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy, and How to Get It Back, click here.
Media Room Outline
01
Sample Questions
Questions to ask even if you haven't read the book
02
Praise For The Book
See what people are saying about Betrayal and Forgiveness
03
Key Topics
The main ideas in the book
04
About the Author
Learn about Dr. Chalmer
05
Order the Book
Find out where is the book is available and how to order it today!
06
Schedule an Interview
Set up a time to meet with Dr. Chalmer
Sample Questions
What to ask even if you haven’t read the book yet:
- What is betrayal? How is betrayal different from just getting hurt?
- How do our expectations in a particular relationship affect our feelings of betrayal?
- What do you mean by forgiveness?
- You talk in the book about forgiveness as an “inside job.” What do you mean by that?
- Aren’t some things unforgivable?
- You describe three steps to forgiveness. Please tell us about those steps.
- You talk about a mindset of faith as an essential part of healing from betrayal. Do you mean religious faith, or something else?
- Your book follows twelve couples who are dealing with some kind of betrayal. How did you select those particular stories?
Book Reviews
Here’s what readers have to say about Betrayal and Forgiveness.
Dr. Chalmer offers clear, compassionate guidance on how to heal from betrayal. I recommend this book to both hurt parties and those who want to help them heal.
A guiding light for the betrayed, Dr. Bruce Chalmer's wise and compassionate book escorts you on a courageous journey toward understanding and forgiving others and yourself, after even the most devastating upheavals.
Key Topics
Meet 12 couples
- We’ll follow the stories of 12 couples, each dealing with some kind of betrayal
- Some of the couples are married (e.g., Beth and Albert, Kimberly and Matt) or romantically partnered (Teresa and James); some are family members (Sally and Ed), or friends and business partners (Lori and Phyllis)
- The betrayals include infidelity, disinheritance, financial malfeasance, and giving hurtful information to others
Betrayal is about violated expectations
- To betray someone is to fail, in an important way, to live up to what they expect of you based on your relationship with them
- You can only be betrayed by someone with whom you have a relationship. A stranger can hurt you, but only someone you have a relationship with can betray you
- Sometimes your expectations can be unrealistic–maybe you don’t have to see what happened to you as a betrayal
- Even if your expectations are realistic, it’s worth examining your values. Maybe there’s room for broadening your perspective
- But sometimes, there’s no avoiding it: you’ve been betrayed, and you need to find a way to get past the panic, anger, and confusion so you can consider what to do aboiut the relationship
Forgiveness: What it isn't
- Forgiveness isn’t minimizing what happened
- Forgiveness isn’t forgetting
- Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust
- Forgiveness doesn’t require remorse from the betrayer
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean restoring the relationship to what it was
Forgiveness: What it is
- Forgiveness is when you’re no longer preoccupied with your anger and hurt from what someone did to you
- To forgive someone means you were hurt by what they did, but you’ve recovered from it
- When you’ve forgiven, you’re no longer triggered by a reminder of the betrayal. You can think about it without descending into panic
- Forgiveness is an inside job; it’s about your own feelings and reactions, not about anyone else
- That means that, in theory, you can forgive even the worst atrocities–not by minimizing or dissociating, but by recognizing that forgiveness is about you, not about the ones who hurt you. When you’ve gotten past the panic, you can then consider what to do about your relationship with the betrayer
- You might not be ready to forgive. If you’re still being hurt, you might need the anger to motivate you to get out of the situation
- No one else can determine when you’re ready to forgive. Friends and loved ones who urge you to forgive before you’re ready, or urge you to stay angry, aren’t helping you
Three steps to forgiveness
- Step 1: Forgive yourself. We always blame ourselves to some extent when we’re hurt
- To forgive yourself means to recognize that you were doing the best you could under the circumstances
- “Under the circumstances” includes what you knew, what you didn’t know, and what power you did or didn’t have to prevent the betrayal
- When you’ve forgiven yourself, it’s a relatively short step to extend that same understanding to whoever hurt you. Hence:
- Step 2: Forgive those who hurt you. In a sense, they were also doing the best they could under the circumstances. Forgiving them doesn’t mean you’ll trust them–it just means you don’t have to stay angry
- Step 3: Forgive God–or if you don’t relate to the concept of “God”, forgive the fact that we live in a universe where we get hurt and couldn’t prevent it
Why is a mindset of faith important for healing from betrayal?
- Faith is when you accept that reality is right to be what it is–even when it’s painful
- When people have a mindset of faith, they recognize that whatever happened, they need to face it and work with it, rather than deny or dissociate
- Faith as I’m using the term is not the same as religion, though it doesn’t necessarily conflict
- However, faith is very different from fundamentalism–in fact, fundamentalism is the opposite of faith
How do you move on from betrayal?
- Once you’re no longer preoccupied by panic–in other words, once you’ve forgiven–you can consider what to do about your relationship with the one who betrayed you
- Sometimes, the best you can do is recognize that you don’t want to continue the relationship–e.g., divorce
- If you want to stay in the relationship, you’ll need to decide if you can restore trust
- Forgiveness is an inside job, but restoring trust involves both of you
- Some approaches don’t rebuild trust–e.g., becoming your partner’s parole officer, or constantly asking for reassurance, or setting rigid rules
- To rebuild trust, you’ll need to see evidence that the circumstances are now different from the circumstances that led to the betrayal
- To rebuild trust, you’ll also need to recognize that the one who betrayed you needs to be able to trust you too; yes, they hurt you, but you (probably) hurt them too
What if you're the betrayer?
- We’ve all hurt people we care about–in some ways, this section can apply to everyone
- You want forgiveness from the one you betrayed, but you also need to forgive the ways you’ve been hurt
- Making amends involves repairing damage that can be repaired (e.g., paying back money you cost someone), and trying to reduce pain when you can’t undo what you did
- That might involve apologizing
- Some “apologies” are actually non-apologies (“if you were offended, I’m sorry”) or bullshit (“I’m sorry I did that–that’s not who I am”)
- An effective apology focuses on the harm you caused to the one you hurt, recognizes that you don’t fully understand their experience, and shows openness to hearing about it
Dr. Chalmer was interviewed on WCAX-TV (CBS affiliate) about the book:
About The Author
Dr. Bruce Chalmer has been a psychologist working with couples for over thirty years. Through his teaching, consulting, and videos about relationships, his ideas have helped thousands of couples and their therapists.
He has held leadership positions in some of Vermont’s Jewish communities, and is also a musician and composer. He lives in South Burlington, Vermont with his wife, Judy Alexander. They are the hosts of the podcast “Couples Therapy in Seven Words.”
Visit Dr. Chalmer’s practice website and blog.
★★★★★ Rated 5 out of 5
Order The Book
Betrayal and Forgiveness is available through your favorite bookstore, as well as online. It’s available in paperback, as an ebook for all devices, and as an audiobook narrated by the author.
Publisher: Someware Publishing
ISBN Paperback: 979-8-9907504-0-1
ISBN eBook: 979-8-9907504-1-8
