© 2022 All Rights Reserved.
Welcome To The Media Room
Thanks for visiting the Media Room for The Passion Paradox: When You Feel Miles Apart and Still Love Each Other by Dr. Bruce Chalmer.
Check out the introduction to the book here.
For the Media Room for Dr. Chalmer’s book Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again, click here.
For the Media Room for Dr. Chalmer’s book It’s Not About Communication! Why Everything You Know About Couples Therapy is Wrong, click here.
For the Media Room for Dr. Chalmer’s book Reigniting the Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy, and How to Get It Back, click here.
Media Room Outline
01
Sample Questions
Questions to ask even if you haven't read the book
02
Praise For The Book
See what people are saying about The Passion Paradox
03
Key Topics
The main ideas in the book
04
About the Author
Learn about Dr. Chalmer
05
Order the Book
Find out where is the book is available and how to order it today!
06
Schedule an Interview
Set up a time to meet with Dr. Chalmer
Sample Questions
What to ask even if you haven’t read the book yet:
- Who is your target audience for this book?
- You talk about two “golden gifts” for a relationship. What are they, and why are they important?
- What’s the paradox referred to in the title?
- What will couples learn by doing the Stability and Intimacy Assessment in the book?
- Why is intimacy scary for many people?
- You talk about a “death spiral” for passion. What’s that?
- You talk about a mindset of faith as an essential part of healing a relationship. Do you mean religious faith, or something else?
- You have a chapter called “Should You Call It Quits”, and later on, a chapter called “How to Split Up.” Are you encouraging people to break up?
Praise for the Book
Here’s what readers have to say about The Passion Paradox.
Dr. Chalmer's book The Passion Paradox offers a way forward for people who are stuck in painful relationship limbo. Whether you're reeling from an affair, struggling with intimacy issues, or have simply grown apart, Dr. Chalmer guides you to take stock, learn the skills you need, and move forward, whether that means staying together or splitting up. I recommend this book for individuals, couples, and the people who are helping them heal.
Dr. Chalmer’s book The Passion Paradox offers an immensely helpful approach to re-viewing one’s relationship, by asking lovingly challenging questions which help readers to honestly probe and communicate their thinking, feeling, and values to themselves and their partners. His workbook’s ideas and exercises rest on the essential dignity of each person in a relationship, and his compassion, wit, and embracing of human imperfection underwrite this exceptionally useful, practical, growth-supporting workbook. What a wonderful contribution to our field!
The Passion Paradox presents the challenge of embracing both stability and intimacy. The book leads the reader to explore their relationship and understand the attitude shift needed to reconnect intimately. Dr. Chalmer’s book is a great resource for couples willing to work toward a deeper connection.
In his new book, The Passion Paradox, Dr. Chalmer artfully presents the value and perhaps the necessity of straddling two primary tensions in relationships. Specifically, he hones in on the roles of stability and intimacy and the ways couples experience the balance. The book provides discussion, examples and worksheet guides as a means to explore the relationship as well as opening up topics for further discussion. With down to earth language and his characteristic warmth and humor, Dr. Chalmer provides a new MUST READ for clients and clinicians alike.
Key Topics
This is a workbook--so prepare to work
Part I: Take Stock of your relationship
Part II: Learn the Skills you need to fix it
Part III: Be the Change–make specific action plans
Two Golden Gifts - both needs for a relationship
- Stability–it’s about keeping the anxiety low, so things feel safe, predictable, and manageable
- Intimacy–it’s about feeling alive, growth and change; not just sex–more generally, intimacy is when you’re present and honest with yourself and each other
Stability and Intimacy are both needs--but they conflict
- The skills of stability are reliability, responsibility, and accountability–all markers of maturity and character; they keep the anxiety level low
- Stability is vital, but essentially boring
- The chief skill of intimacy is to tolerate anxiety, rather than avoiding it
- Intimacy is vital, but often terrifying
The Death Spiral for Passion
- When a couple prioritizes stability, they often avoid rocking the boat–which can mean stifling intimacy
The Emotional Bank Account
- When a couple has a pleasant interaction, they’ve made a deposit in the “emotional bank account”
- When you have a healthy balance, you can afford the occasional withdrawal–an argument, a sharp exchange
- If you’re overdrawn, not only is goodwill insufficient, but you get hit with overdraft fees–in other words, any difficult moment gets amplified
Take Stock in Detail
- Evaluate how your relationship is doing in 14 different areas–e.g., child-rearing, finances, sex, in-law relations, etc.
Should You Call It Quits?
- Distinguish between deal-breakers and growing pains
- If you’re not sure, it’s a growing pain–maybe growth will solve the problem
- Note the bias in favor of working on it–splitting up is a last resort
- Main guideline for growing pains: Don’t break up too soon, before you’ve had a chance to learn what you need to learn
Why is a mindset of faith important for healing a relationship?
- Faith is when you accept that reality is right to be what it is–even when it’s painful
- When people have a mindset of faith, they recognize that whatever happened, they need to face it and work with it, rather than deny or dissociate
- Faith as I’m using the term is not the same as religion, though it doesn’t necessarily conflict
- However, faith is very different from fundamentalism–in fact, fundamentalism is the opposite of faith
Create action plans
- For each problem area in your relationship, consider your options and make a plan
- You might not agree with my suggestions–but they’ll get you thinking
How to split up
- If you’ve decided you need to split up, here are guidelines
- Guidelines for the dumper, the dumpee, and both
- Overall guideline: Don’t be a jerk, and don’t be a doormat
About The Author
Dr. Bruce Chalmer is a psychologist and couples therapist with over 30 years of experience helping partners navigate the complexities of long-term relationships. Drawing on clinical insight, real-world compassion, and a deep understanding of how stability and intimacy intertwine, Dr. Chalmer has guided countless couples through the very challenges explored in The Passion Paradox.
He is also the co-host with his wife Judy Alexander of the podcast “Couples Therapy in Seven Words,” and is a trusted voice in relationship education.
Dr. Chalmer has served in leadership positions in several Vermont Jewish communities, and is also a musician, composer, and choral director. He and Judy have five adult children and six grandchildren.
★★★★★ Rated 5 out of 5
Order The Book
The Passion Paradox is available through your favorite bookstore, as well as online. It’s available in paperback, as an ebook, and as an audiobook narrated by the author.
Publisher: Someware Publishing
ISBN Paperback: 979-8-9907504-3-2
