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Welcome To The Media Room

Thanks for visiting the Media Room for Reigniting the Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy, and How to Get It Back by Dr. Bruce Chalmer.

If you’d like to check out the introduction to the book, here it is. And check out the three and a half minute video on this page for more information.

Media Room Outline

01

Sample Questions

Questions to ask even if you haven't read the book.

02

Praise For The Book

See what people are saying aboutReigniting the Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy, and How to Get It Back.

03

Key Topics

These are the main ideas and situations that influenced the writing of this book.

04

About the Author

Learn about Dr. Chalmer and what influenced and motivated him to become a writer.

05

Order the Book

Find out whre is the book is availble and how to order it today!

06

Schedule an Interview

Set up a time to meet with Dr. Chalmer.

Sample Questions

What to ask even if you haven’t read the book yet:

  1. Your book is organized around a seven-word formula. Where did that come from?

  2.  How does your formula help couples improve their relationship?

  3.  You talk in the book about stability and intimacy as two basic needs for relationships. What’s the difference, and why does it matter?

  4.  You have a whole section in the book about faith. But you also distinguish between faith and religion, and especially between faith and fundamentalism. What do you mean by faith, and why is it important in relationships?

  5.  How has your own faith influenced how you work with couples?

  6.  How can couples heal from big betrayals like infidelity?

  7.  You have a chapter called “Sex, Good Sex, and Sacred Sex.” What are the differences, and how do couples learn to go from plain old to good to sacred?

Pamela S Thibodeaux

"Filled with true accounts from his many years as a Psychologist working with couples, Dr. Chalmer offers 14 Chapters of sound, solid advice on keeping the love and commitment alive in your relationship."

Play Video about Dr. Bruce Chalmer Reigniting the Spark

Book Reviews

Our readers include both couples and their therapists.

[Name redacted]
[Name redacted]Former client
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Congrats Dr. Bruce on making the #1 bestseller list. I bought 20 copies of the book and gave it to everyone. [We] worked with you a few years ago. We moved to [redacted] and are loving it. You’ve been such a beautiful part of our journey. You deserve all the goodness and success the world has to offer.
Dr. Alyson NerenbergAuthor, Psychologist
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Compassionate and informative, along with using a bit of humor, Dr. Chalmer shares his wealth of knowledge that comes from years of treating couples. I recommend this book to both therapists and couples alike who are looking for a roadmap of the couples therapy process.
Susan BrattonIntimacy Expert
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If you’re stuck in your relationship this book may be the catalyst you need to have the relationship you want.
Jeremy ShermanAuthor
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Unlike so much of the help on offer these days, Chalmer offers an engagingly and endearingly clear path to this way to feel at home in the universe. A breakthrough book for couples ready at long last to brave reality in all of its paradoxical splendor.
Dr. Paul FoxmanAuthor, Psychologist
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Based on three key ideas and illustrated with case examples from clinical practice, Chalmer highlights the steps to lasting change. A worthy resource for both couples and therapists who want to be effective.
Jane KastPsychologist
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Whether you are a client or a clinician, Dr. Bruce Chalmer’s latest book, It’s Not About Communication! offers spectacular insight into the often bumpy landscape of couples therapy. Dr. Chalmer invites the reader to consider the effects of believing in the wisdom of our clients and how this fosters a sense of hope and collaboration.
Nancy Walker, MFAReviewer
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Dr. Chalmer has a unique and approachable way of getting his message across that I love. He gives a deeper understanding of the concept of communication by providing real-world examples, questions to give the reader a guided way to think about the material, and references for those who want to explore deeper. I love how Dr. Chalmer's humor makes what could be a hard to read topic enjoyable to discover. He parses out the ideas from the ideologies and helps the reader to see through common myths in communication. I enjoyed this book and look forward to reading his other works.
[Name redacted]
[Name redacted]Former client
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Things that you said during our sessions still help me today. And I just downloaded the audio version of your book!
Kasia Brown, M.A., LCMHC
Kasia Brown, M.A., LCMHCPsychotherapist
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Congratulations! I am reading it now. I don't provide couples therapy, but I find it so helpful when discussing my clients' relationship challenges.
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Key Topics

The seven-word formula: Be Kind, Don’t Panic, and Have Faith

Be kind

  • Kind, in the sense of kinship; couples thrive when they experience each other as kin; “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine”
  • They tend to assume good will  even when they’re bothered by something
  • In order to be kind, you need to not panic–so:

Don’t Panic

  • Anxiety is a necessary human function, but evolution errs on the side of caution: we descended from those who panicked too much rather than too little
  • When we panic, we go into fight/flight mode or freeze mode, neither of which allow for kindness
  • Unhealed trauma can make us especially prone to panic, in ways that can wreak havoc in relationships
  • Healing from trauma can take work–denial doesn’t help
  • How do you avoid panic? The answer is:

And Have Faith

  • Faith is when you accept that reality is right, in the sense that reality is both orderly and good to be that way

Stability and intimacy: We need them both, even though they conflict

  • The chief skill of stability is to avoid or lower anxiety; stability requires character, which means acting according to values of right and wrong even when it’s difficult
  • The chief skill of intimacy isn’t reducing or avoiding anxiety; it’s tolerating anxiety. Intimacy often requires us to risk raising our own and our partner’s anxiety, rather than avoiding it
  • Long-term, stable couples often avoid the anxiety of intimacy because it feels too risky to stability
  • But that can lead to a death-spiral for passion in a relationship

Faith versus fundamentalism: Why they are actually opposites

  • Faith means accepting the rightness of reality–part of which is recognizing that we can’t have all the answers; faith makes you humble in claims of certainty, and open to other points of view
  • Fundamentalism claims certainty, even if that means closing yourself to new information–it’s the opposite of accepting the rightness of reality; fundamentalism fosters condescension (“we love you so much we’ll save you from your stupidity”) and bigotry (“we hate you because you’re evil”)

Why faith matters, even if you’re not religious

  • To reverse the death-spiral for passion requires that you tolerate anxiety, rather than avoiding it–and that requires faith
  • You develop faith by choosing it, by finding teachers, and by practicing it; it’s not a set of beliefs or knowledges, it’s a skill
  • Faith isn’t what you believe; what you believe, what the facts are, is a matter for science
  • Rather, faith shapes how you believe–it’s about the basic recognition that reality is right to be what it is, even when it’s painful, and even when we realize we aren’t always able to understand it
  • Faith is the antidote to panic

How to know when to call it quits, and when to work through the growing pains in your relationship

  • Some problems are deal-breakers–e.g., you can’t agree on whether to have a child; there’s no compromise possible
  • But if it’s not a deal-breaker, it’s a growing pain. For growing pains:
    • Don’t break up too soon
    • Get hold of yourself
    • Get to the right argument

Sex, Good Sex, and Sacred Sex

  • To reverse the death-spiral for passion requires that you tolerate anxiety, rather than avoiding it–and that requires faith
  • You develop faith by choosing it, by finding teachers, and by practicing it; it’s not a set of beliefs or knowledges, it’s a skill
  • Faith isn’t what you believe; what you believe, what the facts are, is a matter for science
  • Rather, faith shapes how you believe–it’s about the basic recognition that reality is right to be what it is, even when it’s painful, and even when we realize we aren’t always able to understand it
  • Faith is the antidote to panic

About The Author

Dr. Bruce Chalmer has been a psychologist working with couples for over thirty years. Through his teaching, consulting, and videos about relationships, his ideas have helped thousands of couples and their therapists.

He has held leadership positions in some of Vermont’s Jewish communities, and is also a musician and composer. He lives in South Burlington, Vermont with his wife, Judy Alexander. They are the hosts of the podcast “Couples Therapy in Seven Words.”

Visit Dr. Chalmer’s practice website and blog.

Order The Book

5/5

Reigniting the Spark is available through your favorite bookstore, as well as online at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Publisher: TCK Publishing

ISBN: 978-1-63161-079-0

© 2022 All Rights Reserved.

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