Active, Respectful, Collaborative Help for Couples

Dr. Chalmer, I recently listened to your book on betrayal and forgiveness and it was so impactful on me. I wanted to just take a moment to send you a message and say thank you for your work. I went into the book wanting to get through an immediate issue I was facing in my marriage, but I was not expecting for the book to have so many important lessons on mindfulness, self respect, and empathy. I mean it when I say the book has truly changed my life, it has given me confidence to say that my own feelings are valid, to not have to debate how I feel with others, and how to be more present both in my day-to-day life and in my marriage. I've recommended the book to everybody I know that has faced any kind of similar issue, and told my therapist that she needs to recommend it to anyone that faces a similar issue as well. I'm looking forward to jumping in to the rest of your work as well. I just wanted to let you know that I hope you recognize that your work has had a positive impact on the world, and in this case, it has had a profound impact on this complete stranger.

Betrayal isn’t just when someone hurts you. Betrayal is when someone important in your life hurts you when you assumed they would never hurt you that way. It’s a double-whammy: Not only are you hurt by what they did, but you’re also forced to question your own judgment. “I thought I knew you—who are you? And what other horrible surprises will happen next?”

Erotic charge is not just when you’re having sex. It’s like, when you’re doing the dishes, and there’s this little sense there that any moment you could just fall into each other’s arms, and you just don’t happen to be doing that at the moment. The attraction is there—it’s almost palpable.

What stable couples tend to do is avoid rocking the boat, because stability is important, and anxiety is a miserable feeling. But intimacy often requires raising anxiety. And thus begins what I’ve called the death spiral for passion in a couple: to avoid threatening stability, they stop risking intimacy.

How you’re communicating is a consequence of what you’re communicating, and that’s a function of a lot more than just communication.

Trying to follow communication rules when you’re not doing well won’t make you do well. In fact, when a couple isn’t doing well, they find it impossible to follow the rules. By way of analogy, ever notice how Rafael Nadal grunts loudly whenever he hits the tennis ball? Guess what? Grunting when you hit the ball won’t make you play like Rafa.

A lack of intimacy becomes destabilizing. If stability provides the roots for a relationship, intimacy provides the energy for growth.

Symptoms of a relationship deprived of intimacy can include affairs, sudden departures, depression in one or both parties, substance abuse, seemingly pointless arguments, and general relationship malaise.