It's Not About Communication

You can find shelves full of books and terabytes full of websites that will teach you rules for effective communication. You’ve probably heard of them: “I statements,” Active Listening, Non-Violent Communication, and hosts of top-ten lists of things to avoid doing.

It’s not that those rules are bad ideas. It’s that learning them is useless if you’re not already doing well with each other.

Wait—what? Learning communication rules is useless?

Communication Rules Aren’t Bad Ideas, But…

When a couple is doing well, in the sense that they feel relaxed and alive in each other’s presence, they are indeed acting in accordance with those communication rules—not self-consciously or formally, but naturally.

When you observe a couple like that, you can see they’re often doing things that seem a lot like Active Listening and “I statements,” in the sense that they’re listening to each other and speaking respectfully. And they’re definitely avoiding the nasty things the rules say to avoid. They aren’t calling each other names, or impugning each other’s characters, or interrupting each other in a hostile way.

But those well-functioning couples aren’t doing well because they’re following the rules.

Rather, they’re following the rules because they’re doing well.

What about a couple that isn’t doing well—a couple that is guarded and angry and hostile in each other’s presence?

Teaching that couple communication rules is putting lipstick on a pig.

You can convey contempt every bit as effectively using “I statements” as you can using “you statements.” No matter how well carefully you craft your language, you won’t be able to hide mistrust, or anger, or fear.

In fact, if a couple is doing poorly, they usually won’t be able to follow the rules anyway—because when you’re in a panic, the part of your brain that can remember and implement the rules goes offline.

Teach that couple communication rules and they’ll end up arguing about how they’re not applying the rules correctly.

And, of course, teach a well-functioning couple those communication rules and they’ll find them cumbersome and ridiculous. (I’ve seen some great send-ups in comedy shows of couples using “therapy-speak.”)

Communication rules are all about how to communicate.

But the problem isn’t how you’re communicating. The problem is what you’re communicating.

And that has nothing to do with communication rules, and everything to do with actual intimacy.

What You Need to Learn is How to Tolerate Intimacy

Intimacy?

Yes, intimacy.

I’m not just talking about sex. I mean intimacy more generally.

Intimacy is when you are present and honest with yourself and each other.

Intimacy isn’t about following rules. It’s about being in the moment, open to revealing yourself to others, and being open to others revealing themselves to you.

If that idea makes you nervous, you’re getting the point. (And if it doesn’t, think about it.)

Intimacy can sometimes be terrifying—especially if you’re not sure how someone will receive your honesty. Or if you’re distressed by what that someone is telling you.

Intimacy is especially terrifying when that someone is very important to you. That’s why it can be easier to have intimate conversations with a stranger sitting next to you on a plane than to have intimate conversations with your spouse or partner.

If Learning Communication Rules is Useless, What Should We Work On in Couples Therapy?

Great question, right? If a couple isn’t able to talk with each other without getting into a shouting match, a deep freeze, or some combination, how can they get anywhere in couples therapy?

That’s what I’ve written several books and created several self-paced courses about. And, of course, if you want to work directly with me in couples sessions, you’ll experience how I answer that question.

Here’s how you can find out more.

• Explore couples sessions with me
• Learn about self-paced video courses
• Learn about my books and the “Couples Therapy in Seven Words” podcast