How to Recover From Betrayal: Forgiveness Isn't Trust
by Dr. Bruce Chalmer
If you’ve been betrayed, you may think forgiveness means restoring trust. It doesn’t.
If you’ve been deeply hurt by someone you love, you may feel caught between two impossible choices.
On one hand, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life consumed by anger and resentment. On the other hand, you don’t want to pretend that what happened was acceptable—or put yourself back in a situation where you could be hurt again.
Sometimes people assume those two choices are inseparable.
They think:
“If I forgive, doesn’t that mean I’m choosing to trust this person again?”
Well, not necessarily. It depends on how you think of forgiveness.
Understanding Forgiveness as an "Inside Job"
What does it mean to forgive someone?
People use the term “forgive” in two different ways.
One way—probably the more common way—is what we just talked about. If I forgive someone, it means I’ve decided I can restore the relationship. All is forgiven—we can get back to how things were. That implies I’m choosing to trust that whatever they did, they won’t do it again.
I don’t like that way of defining forgiveness.
Instead, I prefer the idea of forgiveness as an “inside job.”
Forgiveness in that sense is about letting go of the anger, resentment, and obsession with whatever happened. It’s recovering from the trauma, so you can think about it without panic.
Forgiveness is about your own mind and spirit, not anyone else’s. When you forgive, you’ve freed yourself of the burden of anger. You stop trying to change reality, and can think clearly enough to work with it.
Why Forgiving Someone Doesn't Mean Restoring the Relationship
Notice that the “inside job” understanding has essentially nothing to do with trust.
In fact, when you think about forgiveness this way, you realize that you could forgive someone whether or not they deserve it. You can forgive someone whom you are still choosing to divorce, or sue, or prosecute. Whether or not to restore trust is a whole separate issue.
In other words, when you forgive, you get your brain back, along with your soul.
That’s why forgiveness—in that “inside job” sense—is a vital step in recovering from betrayal.
How Do You Forgive?
If I’m saying that forgiveness is getting your brain and soul back, I’m obviously saying it’s a good thing.
But that doesn’t make it easy.
In fact, you can’t, and shouldn’t, forgive until you’re ready. Sometimes you need the anger to motivate you to get out of an unsafe situation.
Even when you’re ready, forgiveness can take time. In my books and courses, I describe getting to forgiveness as involving three steps: forgive yourself, forgive whoever hurt you, and forgive God. (That last one especially takes some explanation!) How you do all of that is beyond the scope of this brief article.
But you do need to forgive, in that sense of getting your brain back, before you can think about whether you can restore trust—or even about whether you want to try
Can You Rebuild Broken Trust?
Rebuilding trust after betrayal—whether it’s emotional betrayal, sexual infidelity, or some other kind of serious failure to live up to basic expectations of a relationship—isn’t quick or easy.
I’m pretty sure you already knew that.
But it’s often possible. In fact, you might be surprised. It takes courage, commitment, and faith. And there’s no guarantee it will go the way you want it to.
While forgiveness is an inside job, rebuilding trust takes both of you. A lot of the work of couples therapy, once you’ve been able to forgive sufficiently, is about rebuilding trust.
Many people I’ve worked with have expressed gratitude—not for the betrayal itself, but for what they gained by going through the struggle to heal, forgive, and rebuild trust.
Where Do You Go From Here?
If you’ve been betrayed, forgiveness is only one of many questions you’ll eventually face.
You may also be asking:
- Was this truly a betrayal?
- Can I understand why it happened without excusing it?
- Is rebuilding trust something I even want?
- If so, what would that require?
- How can I make decisions now that I’ll still feel comfortable with years from now?
Those questions deserve more than quick answers.
They need a framework for thinking them through carefully.
I’ve explored that framework in much greater depth in my self-paced video course:
Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again.
You can watch the free introductory video before you decide to enroll.
▶ Watch the free introductory video
Whether or not you continue with the course, I hope you’ll remember this distinction:
Forgiveness and trust are different questions.
You don’t have to answer them both at the same time.
And you don’t have to force either answer before you’re ready.
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About me
Dr. Bruce Chalmer
Practicing relationship psychologist for over thirty years.
Author of Betrayal and Forgiveness.
I’ve helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate betrayal, forgiveness, and the difficult decisions that follow.
