Why He Resists Going to Couples Therapy—and What You Can Do About It
by Dr. Bruce Chalmer
You may think you know why he resists. You’re probably wrong—and there’s something you can do.
Why do men resist going to couples therapy?
Yes, I know it’s not all men. And I know sometimes the roles are reversed: sometimes it’s a man trying to convince a reluctant woman (or a male partner, for that matter) to go to couples therapy.
But in my experience, it’s way more common that women want to do couples therapy, and men don’t. When it’s a man setting up the initial session, it’s usually because a woman in his life has insisted, often as an ultimatum.
I’m guessing you’re the woman in this situation—after all, you clicked on this article. But if you’re a man trying to convince a reluctant partner, or if you’re the one who’s reluctant yourself, keep reading. This will help you too.
Why Do You Think He Won’t Go? (You’re Probably Wrong)
If you’ve been trying to convince your guy to go to couples therapy, and he keeps resisting, you probably have some ideas about why he’s so reluctant.
You might think it’s because he thinks therapy is stupid, or for crazy people. Or because he doesn’t want some stranger in your private business. Or because he says you’re the one with the problem—if you weren’t unhappy, he’d be fine.
You might think a lot of those things because he’s said as much.
And when you boil it down, you probably think something even worse—the number one reason women think men won’t do couples therapy:
You probably think he’s resisting couples therapy because he doesn’t care enough about you to try it. He just wants you to suck it up, and he doesn’t care about all the pain you’re in. If he cared about you, he’d try it, right?
When you tell him that—maybe in the midst of a screaming fight—it doesn’t go over well. It certainly doesn’t get him to change his mind. It just makes him dig in his heels.
Which leaves you feeling worse. Hopeless even.
And that’s a shame—because both of you are missing the real reason completely.
He’s not resisting because he doesn’t care. He does care about you. He doesn’t want you to be in such pain. He may be a jerk about it, but his resistance isn’t due to lack of care.
If He Does Care, Why Won’t He Go to Therapy?
So why is he being so stubborn?
It’s simple.
He won’t go because he’s terrified.
And not only is he terrified, but he’s right to be terrified.
He’s worried that couples therapy will lead to breaking up. And that’s not a crazy worry. You know people whose relationships have ended after they did couples therapy, and so does he.
He’s afraid of other things too. He’s afraid that the therapist—male or female—will side with you, and the sessions will just be a rehashing of all the ways he’s wrong. He’s afraid that you’ll see him as weak and stupid, because you and the therapist can talk rings around him when it comes to emotional stuff. He’s afraid that his concerns, desires, and ways of thinking will be lumped together as “toxic masculinity,” either explicitly or by implication.
All of which sometimes happens—those aren’t rare phenomena.
But his biggest fear is that couples therapy will lead you to break up with him.
It’s not that he doesn’t care about you. On the contrary—it’s that he doesn’t want to lose you.
And when you give him the ultimatum that says it’s either couples therapy or divorce, you’re just confirming how precarious the situation is.
So his fear isn’t paranoid. It’s actually pretty sensible.
Now do you see why all your efforts to get him to come to couples therapy haven’t worked? It’s not that your reasons for wanting to do it are bad, and it’s not that he doesn’t care. It’s that he’s scared, and your very understandable frustration with him just increases his fear.
Of course, as a guy, he won’t even tell himself it’s fear, let alone tell you. He’ll make up other objections, all of which might have some basis in reality, but none of which address his fear. Or he’ll get all reasonable, and act like you’re the one with the emotional problem. Or he’ll get angry and shout at you, or just shut down completely.
That’s what you’re dealing with. Arguing, cajoling, and threatening don’t tend to reduce someone’s fear. They increase it.
You know how unreasonable and reactive you get when he denies or minimizes how you feel? That’s how he gets too. The trouble is, he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing, any more than you do when you’re doing it.
What Can You Do?
So what do you do? Do you have to give up on going to therapy? Or give up on the relationship?
No! What you want—to try to heal your relationship by going to therapy—isn’t crazy or wrong either.
You don’t have to give up on the idea of trying couples therapy. But you do need to approach your partner differently.
And I don’t mean finding another way to convince him. You’ve tried all of those.
Would it help him to read this?
If your partner thinks couples therapy means being blamed, judged, or pressured to leave the relationship, consider sending him this article. He may recognize some of his own concerns here—even if he hasn’t been able to put them into words.
The Story of Gina and Peter
Let me tell you about a couple I worked with a few years ago—I’ll call them Gina and Peter (not their real names).
A few sessions into our work together, when they reported that they were bickering less and talking more, Peter said he thought our sessions had been helping.
But then he added, “I think it started to get better even before our first session.” And he gave Gina credit for it. In fact, he said, it was a conversation she initiated that finally convinced him to try couples therapy, after years of rejecting the idea.
“I don’t remember exactly what she said. But I could tell right away she wasn’t yelling at me or telling me I was inconsiderate. She just wanted to know what worried me about trying couples therapy.”
Peter continued, “That got me thinking about it in a different way—I was always coming up with reasons why it’s a bad idea, or unnecessary, but I never thought about why it worried me. And she really listened. She didn’t try to deny what I was saying. She even seemed to understand.”
Gina nodded. “I don’t know how I realized it. Maybe it was desperation, because nothing was working. But one day I was thinking about how unreasonable Peter was, and how uncaring he seemed when I said I was unhappy and wanted to try therapy. And then I thought about the Peter that I knew—he’s warm and caring and considerate, or at least he used to be.”
That was a turning point for Gina: she realized that Peter wasn’t a horrible person, or a recalcitrant adolescent. She still didn’t know why he resisted therapy, but she was willing to listen—genuinely listen—to what he said.
Gina described the moment. “I thought, it can’t be that he’s turned bad. He says he loves me and I believe he does. What’s going on? I guess what I realized was that I don’t know. I just don’t know. But there must be something he’s worried about. So I asked him—really asked him, not to talk him out of it, but to find out.”
When Gina decided to ask Peter what was worrying him about trying couples therapy, she didn’t know how that would go. It might have precipitated a bad fight, as the topic so often had. But she took the risk. And Peter was able to rise to the occasion—also not a foregone conclusion.
Peter said the key thing for him was that she took his worries seriously. “I thought about it, and told her what I think was worrying me is that we’d split up if we did couples therapy. I’d lose her. And she didn’t tell me I shouldn’t worry. She told me she worries about that too. That really got to me. I knew then we needed to do something.”
It’s About Respect
What do you take from Gina and Peter’s story?
You’ll note that Peter didn’t recall just what Gina said that made the difference. What he recalled was that she wasn’t criticizing him or arguing with him—she was actually trying to understand him.
In other words, he sensed respect.
You don’t convey respect by carefully crafting your script for what you’re going to say. It won’t help you to plan out how you can counter whatever arguments he comes up with.
You can only convey respect by actually being respectful.
And that means being open to his concerns. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with him. But start from the assumption that he’s not crazy, not evil, and not stupid. Nor are you.
Chances are you’ll still want to try couples therapy—and your opinion is worthy of respect too. But you’ll have a lot better chance of his being able to hear you if you’re willing to hear him.
And who knows—like Gina and Peter, you might find that your relationship starts to improve even before you start therapy.
Yes, But Shouldn’t He Respect Me? Why Do I Have to Go First?
I can hear (and have heard) the objection: Why does it have to fall to the woman to be the one to offer respect? He’s the one who’s being dismissive, condescending, and stubborn!
Of course he should respect you. Of course you want him to listen to your concerns. That’s a lot of why you want to go to couples therapy.
If it feels unfair to you to suggest that your understandable anger is part of what’s keeping you stuck—well, you’re right. It is unfair.
And if you’re absolutely convinced that he’s an unredeemable jerk, then leave him. Your anger is the motivation you need. And there’s no point in doing couples therapy.
But if you’re wanting to do couples therapy, you apparently have some hope that you can find each other again. And since you’re the one trying to change things, you’ll need to use the power you actually have, which is over your own attitude. You can dwell on how unfair it is that he’s not the one going first—and that will get you exactly nowhere.
If that means you have to be the first one to back away from your anger and act with genuine respect, maybe it’s worth it. Even if he doesn’t respond in kind, to be respectful is good for your soul.
IF YOU’RE BOTH WILLING TO TRY COUPLES SESSIONS…
If you’ve had those respectful conversations I’ve suggested in this article—maybe you’ve both read this and opened up the possibility of trying couples sessions—then you’re welcome to consider working directly with me.
My approach isn’t about deciding who’s right, who’s wrong, or who’s to blame. It’s about understanding what each of you is experiencing—and helping you find a way to talk about the things that have become too difficult to talk about on your own.
If you’d like to learn more about working with me, you can read about how I work with couples and what to expect.
About me
Dr. Bruce Chalmer
Practicing relationship psychologist for over thirty years.
I’ve helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate difficult problems with respect for your dignity, integrity, and intelligence.
